Navigating Leather and BDSM in the 21st Century
"How To" BDSM in an App-based Society
From what I’ve pieced together through podcasts, a few books, and Recon, the gay leather and BDSM world evolved from a combination of police, military, biker, and (sort of kind of) equine cultures. This is not breaking news. It’s just how I came to know about the history of this stuff. Combining the cultural influences I just mentioned, produced what is now referred to as Old Guard. The Old Guard was at its prominence during a time when even being gay was relatively “underground.” The necessity for social (and mortal) safety created leather and BDSM spaces that lived in secrecy and survived on vouching for the character of Dominants and submissives alike. These spaces, often in the form of clubs, back then commanded formality as they were invitation only; bonds and brotherhoods as sacred as any social or collegiate fraternity in our country.
The obvious positive of the present is that gay men (and all of our rainbow counterparts) live in a more open country, albeit far from perfect. The ubiquity of The Internet has diminished the inherent safety mechanisms incorporated into The Old Guard ways, while still maintaining a lot of the surface level earmarks of the culture (rather glibly in my opinion). That is to say, in the days of yesteryear, your invitation into this world signaled some level of respect or at least acknowledgment that you might belong. There was a gate. Yes, with keepers. The concept of gatekeeping isn’t really so bad in certain circumstances, as far as I’m concerned. And once inside those gates, it might have made sense to use honorifics such as Sir, Daddy, etc. to address leaders and members of these exclusive clubs.
Today, one needs a smart device and email address to join in this world. Who’s on the other side of the photo with the clean Wesco boots you’re calling Daddy? Who knows? No one has vouched for them. Yet eager men approach each other—Dominants with haughty demands and submissives with obsequious lust—possessing little gauge of sanity or culture-specific IQ. I’ve learned this to be repeatedly true via connections I’ve made in this community so far and on a near weekly basis using apps like Recon, FetLife, and even Twitter (X).
I fully acknowledge that I’m new. I am not new, however, in matters of The Internet. Therefore the rest of this post is dedicated to what I believe are best practices for engaging the alternative sexual world via apps and other internet platforms. This list is not exhaustive. A lot of these ideas speak to my personal ethos as a Dominant, whereas others speak to an idea of sense that is perhaps not so common anymore.
Exercise some restraint in just how much of your role you’re exhibiting off the bat if you and your potential counterpart are total strangers. Strangers on apps aren’t entitled to honorifics or nudes or obedience. Respect is reciprocal. Before you’re a whatever type of Dominant or a submissive, you’re a human first.
Read their profile before asking, “what are you into?” There are a lot of ways to start a conversation. A good way to end it is by ignoring someone’s effort to communicate on the platform you’re using. Obviously if there’s nothing on the profile, then common sense says that the question is a lot more valid to start the conversation.
GROW UP and move on if they aren’t interested in you and have not otherwise called you a name, insulted some aspect of your appearance or intelligence, or committed another egregious social transgression. Someone being offensive isn’t the same as you being offended. Give and take rejection gracefully. And yes, Doms, this means you too.
Ask questions. With the absence of facial expressions, body language, and the like, ask for clarifications. A simple “what do you mean by that” can be a lot more helpful than assumptions. Tone isn’t always obvious.
Refrain from thrusting someone into your fantasy. You’re horny. We get it. We all are. The magic in this hot, BDSM world is built on consent. It’s built on everyone saying “yes.” So just because someone looks the way you always jerk off to doesn’t obligate them to fulfill that role in online conversation. They’re not your Sir or urinal or human dildo or pussy boy or Daddy or what have you, until they’ve let you know they’re cool with it.
Save yourself from uncomfortable situations in compromising positions by meeting non-sexually first and in public. You just told a stranger you want to be choked or beaten or that you want to stick needles through their skin or have scene involving consensual non-consent. The fact is we’re beyond good old butt sex (in which case I still advocate for at least a video chat). This is serious stuff with potentially oxygen, blood, or even life to lose. So do both of yourselves a favor and insist on some sort of vibe check that forces the two of your faces together before any more of your body parts are touching.
Last but certainly not least: know your full status, share your status, ask theirs. If done the way it’s meant to be, sex is a choice. How is a choice too. So stop shaming guys that prefer to use condoms. Not everyone can take PrEP and/or DoxyPEP. Not everyone wants to. Both of these realities are okay. Just be honest. And if you can’t be honest, fire up your phone and jerk it to your favorite skin flick.
Learn more about things mentioned in this post:
Great advice, well said; thank you for putting good stuff out there into the stackisphere.